Bishie - Short for bishounen, a guy so pretty other guys can't resist him either. BL - Japanese term for Boy's Love. Considered Yaoi Lite. DDR - Dance Dance Revolution, a game where you stomp on floor buttons and impress everyone else with your MAD DANCING SKILLZ IRCFiesta - A group of people in the irc channel #comicfiesta who have been online so long we have no idea what clean jokes and sensitive issues mean anymore. Seiyuu - The horribly talented Japanese who voice our favourite anime and game characters. Yaoi - Mangafied gay pr0n. 9000x more appealing than actual anything.
Tuesday, June 24, 2008
In which there is a surprising lack of snark
Listening to: One Republic - Stop & Stare
The other day I did a meme where I had to list out at least 3 of the biggest things going on in my life.
I got stuck at #2.
As I continue working, I've noticed the steady decline of every other interest in my life. Suddenly the PS2 takes too long to start up, the DS is in my bag which is in the box which is in the cupboard which is in the storeroom which is downstairs which totally takes 300 seconds to grab, anime takes too long to get to the point, books have finer print and footnotes that take up half a page (I'm look at you Lord of The Rings), and everything on TV is a second season of something that used to be more exciting.
Life is starting to take on a duller shade of nothing, and I don't know where it came from. I figure it's probably from working too much, but then I see dozens of people who wedge and grunt and squeeze and MAKE time for their families/hobbies despite working 14 hours a day; I don't even have an excuse since I get 2 days off each time I go on-call. I've made catnapping a full-time hobby, shafting every other activity I used to pursue into the drain.
In the beginning of June I attended the LOTR Symphony. It was entertaining, the choir gave me chills, I was disappointed they couldn't get a boy soprano and I've a movement-by-movement review of the most expensive 2 hours of my life yet, and I can't muster five words for an opening paragraph. Treatise on the absurdity of Utena and the presence of the Akio Car, symbol of adulthood and the power that comes with it? The Utena Gallery came back online with the screenshots I couldn't get earlier (because the website was being revamped) and the screenshots I *manually* took are still sitting in the folder. I've a Nanowrimo left over that I actually got an idea to finish, and I haven't touched it because while the big text box is there, it's the word placement that's giving me problems.
Colleagues say "ooh you save a lot I'll bet you've got tons of cash" but I don't tell themI stretch RM400 in 2, 3 months no problem because I don't have anything I *want* or *need* to get. As the internet got bigger, everything got freer - anime? Download. Movies? Download. Games? Download. Manga? Download. Gay pr0n? Download! Figurines? They're all either of sexy girls or ugly men or giant robots, none of which I have any interest in. The only money I fork out is to pay for the internet bill that gives me all this free stuff; It's like one day I started making money and lost all interest in indulging myself with it.
Of course it's a good thing - what with the prices of everything going up, a little more money goes a long way. Still, I don't think it's something that you need to give up on living altogether. Keep in mind this isn't about surviving - this is about the things that make surviving a little more bearable.
I joined my workplace's [Toastmasters club] because 1) The lady who recommended the club wouldn't stop pestering me about it. Scarier than a church fanatic, I kid you not. 2) It's not like I have anything better to do on Monday nights anyway. 3) Maybe, just maybe, I could revive some lost spark.
Now while this is all good (and I'm expanding my social circle in a sense), I still hold back; I'm not comfortable with people and being around people, and going up to speak is nerve-wracking no matter who or what you're speaking to. They're nice people, and I'm still getting used to the atmosphere, but I'm still trying to figure out where this "holding back" came from.
If psychiatrists were to sit down and chat about me, they could blame my parents for fostering this dearth of passion - I go SQUEE, dad shoots it down in flames. Pretty souvenir from Europe? Dad looks underneath and points out the "MADE IN CHINA" engraving. Heart skipping a beat from a a limited edition figurine? Dad waxes on about how it's really just moulded plastic people are being paid more than me to make. The feeling of heart-pounded breathtaking excitement after an episode of Code Geass? Everyone talking about the same damn thing all the damn time turned me off from the second season. Mum just sits down and watches Korean dramas, and I don't think using those dramas to project her dream son-in-law really counts as burning passion. As much as it would be easy to say yes my parents are screwed up and they screwed me over big time so it's totally their fault, it's really not fair to blame them because I'm currently losing all will to live as I type.
Anand suggests getting a boyfriend will definitely LIGHT MAH FAIYAH, but guys don't tend to like depressing girls. Those who DO aren't the most intellectually (or physically) stimulating of the lot. So obviously to get someone to light a fire you need to have an ember to stoke, and that's what I don't have; So it comes back to the first paragraph about how I have no passion because I feel it's all dying out. Is it from my job? Is it from sitting my arse in front of the computer the minute I get back from work? Is it because no matter what I do nobody's going to appreciate it but me anyway so it's a lost cause? I wish I had an answer and a solution, but that's how life rolls - we can't always get what we want because otherwise we wouldn't need to hope Barack Obama will solve a lot of the current world's problems.
However, we might get what we *need*, but I warn you - I'm still looking for mine.
Posted at 10:57 pm
Immanuel June 25, 2008 11:24 PM PDT
See! So many people leaving comments and suggestions for you! Don't you feel loved!?
Well, by most of them anyway. >__>
At the very least, you know there are people who worry that you're not being all that you can be. So just hang in there and believe that things will get better and take some of those suggestions! :P
The love of your life June 25, 2008 09:16 PM PDT
Come on baby, I'll light your faiyah! >D
My dear Dimyu, it's a sad feeling to have no interest in pursuing things that you used to love and even sadder feeling to feel that you have lost any reason to exist. But we all know that's just silly because there are a lot of reasons to be alive for... just that its takes a lotta effort to go out there and try new things.
I agree with Nyeu, try strange and weird things. Take up kickboxing so that you can kick and punch the hell out of your frustrations and everything everyone has put down what you had that little spark of passion for.. or whatever that suits your fancy.
Try a new cafe every weekend/fortnight? I started doing that with some of my workmates and even though it's just a cup of coffee, it's a nice change in the dull routine. Sometimes the cafe has a nice aura, sometimes the coffee is excellent, sometimes its just the company you're with and sometimes it's complete shit you end up smelling like spring onions all the way home hoping the cute guy sitting next to you in the train doesn't say anything about it.
Your dad may be doing what he does it without realizing it or maybe he does and perhaps you should tell him? I know I've told people who do it to stop because not only does it make me feel bad about that something, it's just plain depressing for both parties.
Why let someone else blow your fire out when we struggle everyday to keep it burning?
*squishes you with much boobsy love* ♥
Kemu June 25, 2008 03:19 PM PDT
I think someone just hit mid life crisis a weeee bit too early. I don't know. Things are usually as exciting as you make them to be, and as you've pointed out, the novelty wears off really REALLY fast for you. Maybe you should just try and push yourself to do as many strange and weird things as possible just to keep the ball rolling.
Playing that piano, singing that song and recording it, hell even rockclimbing. So even if you get bored with it after a while, other people sure won't - and will keep you entertained enough with their yays or boos. lol
U SRSLY NEED...A NEW HOBBY AND A GOOD YAMCHA SESSION. NOW!
Okie srs time :
"As much as it would be easy to say yes my parents are screwed up and they screwed me over big time so it's totally their fault, it's really not fair to blame them because I'm currently losing all will to live as I type."
> I'd say - it's up to you what you wanna make your life out. If you think you wont get a guy, you probably won't. Let go of all those insecurities and think of what YOU, yes you, really want from a guy. That chap might just be just waiting! :)
Think of your life's purpose? Deeep down inside is there something you haven't accomplished yet? Not so much on material wants as you have stated..but finding back your passions. Writing novels maybe?
And why the selfishness, when there are people who do it because they love to, and not because they expect something in return? Even if they don't appreciate it, the thought +satisfaction from doing something to make a small difference is never a lost cause. At least that's what i feel.
Do forgive if i am being too preachy, and i sound like a nine year old stating her dreams and visions D:
Iluna June 25, 2008 12:51 PM PDT
Same here, Ezel :)
Ezel June 25, 2008 09:36 AM PDT
The uniqueness and ingeniousity of your recent comments of late never cease to amaze me, dusty.
I mean, even I myself wouldnt ever have thought of going HAHAHAHAHAH at someone else's serious, instropective blog entry. You're clearly very impressive.